The last page: Truth, justice, and the pursuit of a laugh

Take this job and love it
Q. After high school did you do any vocational or college?
A. I went to college six months to be a court reporter and then decided — I saw all the work that had to be done and decided no, that wasn’t for me.
Q. He loves it.
Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas

More precisely
Q. Could you explain my confusion in calling this a serology test?
THE COURT: You want him to explain your confusion?
Q. (By Mr. Attorney) More precisely is this a test of blood or is this a test of urine?
A. Urine.
Rosemarie A. Sawyer-Corsino, RPR
El Dorado, Kan.

Living a fantasy
Q. What were you thinking about going in the house shooting Mexicans named Poppy? Was that real, or was that a fantasy?
A. That’s two questions. Which one do you want me to answer?
Q. The first one first; and then the second one, sir.
Rita Davis Young, RPR
Pontotoc, Miss.

What’s the root of that?
Q. What office do you work out of?
A. My office is located in Rootstown, Ohio.
Q. How do you spell Rootstown?
A. R-O-O-T-S-T-O-W-N.
MR. SMITH: It’s where they do root cause analysis.
MS. JONES: Okay, that’s clearly exact.
THE WITNESS: Never thought of it that way.
MR. WILSON: Better than root canals.
MR. SMITH: It’s down in Panama.
Laurie Collins, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

When not to tell the truth
Q. Who asked you to miss a trip with your wife, Mr. Wilson? That’s terrible.
A. Seems like that’s how the schedule worked out.
Q. Not at my behest. At your behest?
A. I’m not blaming anybody.
Q. Oh, okay. I just want to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding. Because no one said anything to me about a trip with your wife. I think you should have taken the trip with your wife.
A. Well, that’s fine. I’m kind of enjoying having the house to myself.
Q. There you go.
MR. RADICH: You’re supposed to say that off the record.
Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas

Update your status
Q. All right. When I last saw you, you had just separated from your wife. Are you still separated, or are you divorced now?
A. The divorce went through on 11/12/13.
Q. All right. Are you currently engaged to anyone else?
A. No.
Q. All right.
A. I started to say, “Hell, no,” but anyway, I won’t do that.
Q. Well, I was just checking. You never know.
Loretta Armstrong, RDR, CRR, CCP
Hope Mills, N.C.

Hedging
A. It is — it is a purposely blurry statement because I can only say, with reasonable degree of medical probability, that his condition might worsen to the point that in the future, he will need to have that level previously surgerized fuse. In other words, I, as an experienced orthopedic surgeon, know that there is a probable probability that he might in the future need it. I am not saying that he will need it. It is a gift that I give to both parties that I am attempting to serve to the best of my ability, to let both parties know that there is a chance. And that is all my intent. Beyond that, at the time of my June 2, 2010, report, I could not say.
Q. So there’s a chance, but you cannot and do not quantify the percentage?
A. Exactly. It is — in every medical-legal examination, there is one point in which medicine goes east and law goes west. And as the song from the 1960s said: When we meet again, we’ll see who is the best.
Q. I’m not familiar with that song.
A. It was called “Big John.”
Q. I don’t know why I’m writing that down.
(Discussion off the record.)
THE WITNESS: I apologize. It was not “Big John.” The name of the song is “Ringo,” R-I-N-G-O, 1960, 1961.
Dominique Isabeau
Daly City, Calif.

All about perspective
Q. If we looked at the far right column that says net pay, do you have any reason to challenge the amounts that are listed for these various pay periods?
A. I’ll be honest, I’m uncertain because what’s in the left column still isn’t what I can recall going home with.
Q. And I’m sorry, when you say the left column.
A. I mean, sorry, the far right.
Q. Okay.
A. I’m looking at it out of my left eye.
Ksenija-Margaret Zeltkalns, RPR
Topeka Kan.

Find the pun
Q. From his recollection he believes he was actually bedridden for all intents and purposes for about a year after that injury. Does that seem accurate concerning your records?
A. Significantly limited. I wouldn’t say bedridden, but he had a badly fractured left leg and a badly fracture right heel so he didn’t have a leg to stand on. So he was limited in weight bearing for a year.
Sandy Chadwick, RMR
New Milford, Conn.

Living in the legal gray areas
Q. If there wasn’t a meeting, then would you agree you didn’t attend it?
A. If there was no meeting, then I may not have been there.
Jenny C. Ebner, RPR
Springfield, Ohio

Freak-out syndrome
Q. You went there one time. Did they tell you what was causing the numbness? Was it pregnancy related?
A. They said maybe it was because — because at that time it was cold, so they said maybe I went from — my apartment was hot and then outside it was cold, so maybe that caused it.
Q. Caused your nerves to freak out?
Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas