LAST PAGE: Laugh it up

It’s too darn hot
A. I was just going to say it’s all been in-house insurance company training.
Q. Is that in the Toledo office?
A. I’ve been to Toledo and Phoenix for my training.
Q. I much prefer Phoenix.
A. I prefer it as well.
Q. Except in July.
Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

The right address
Q. Can you give me your address?
A. An address?
Q. Please.
A. Don’t laugh. All of you. 20783 Jackass Hill Road.
Q. That’s the best street I think I’ve ever heard.
A. Looks good on a driver’s license.
MR. SMITH: Are you the king of Jackass Hill?
THE WITNESS: No, it’s the last house so I live on the back of Jackass.
Laura D. Fowler, RPR, CRR, CRC
Modesto, Calif.

The perfect date
A. In October we got married. And then in the next year —
Q. What day in October?
A. The 23rd.
Q. Shut the front door.
A. Is that your wedding anniversary?
Q. October 23rd.
A. Nice.
Q. I know.
A. Ours was on a Tuesday because it was cheaper.
Q. Really? Nice.
A. And then you can invite everyone, but the people that really care will take the day off and come, and you don’t have to pay for everyone.
Q. We got married on a hill in Vermont with nobody there. First did the vows, you know. And then we did it, like, for everybody else later. And I thought that would help me, but I still — we were role-reversed. I was just, like, a weeping mess, and she was the stud, you know. So whatever. Sorry.
A. We all have our moments. It just wasn’t yours.
Q. Everybody thought it was really endearing, and I was just like, “Oh, my God.” But anyway.
Juliane Petersen
Beaverton, Ore.

Timing is everything
Q. Okay. And No. 51 would be the casualty —
A. Correct.
Q. — of the night? Okay.
A. That would be correct.
Q. And was the cow still dead when you got there?
A. It was still dead, yes.
Britta Helland, RPR
Bismarck, N.D.

Google and the 80-year-old solicitor
MR. YOUNG: If we can identify it, we can provide you with the model number or whatever it is, and you can google it and read up all about it.
MR. JACKSON: “Google it” sounds obscene to me, so I won’t be doing that.
MR. YOUNG: We had this discussion yesterday, didn’t we?
MR. JACKSON: I could find better things to “google” than that.
MR. YOUNG: I don’t think we talked about that yesterday.
Kathryn Burke
Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

Yours, mine, and ours
Q. Mr. Green, who is being paid salaries?
A. Myself, and then I’ve had a part-time employee.
Q. And who is that?
A. Sam Jones.
Q. How about your wife?
A. Not really. My wages are her wages, so —
MR. JONES: Isn’t that the truth.
Sharon M. Champa, RMR
Lathrup Village, Mich.

Lost in translation: Time to retire
The question is: “Have you ever gone to Alcoholics Anonymous?
My translation: “Have you ever gone to clocks and mouse?
Patricia Tyszka, RMR
West Hartland, Conn.

A matter of perspective
Q. Okay. He said he had guns and that he would shoot animals?
A. Yes. He would shoot animals.
Q. Which animals?
A. He said something about squirrels.
Q. Did he say anything about cooking them?
A. No, he didn’t. He did not mention that it was for food.
Q. I tried my first squirrel the other day. It was all right. Anyway, did he mention any other animals besides squirrels?
A. That I cannot recall.
Q. Did he tell you where he was shooting these squirrels?
A. That I cannot recall for certain.
Q. And you viewed that as a threat towards you or towards someone else or towards just squirrels?
Angeli English
D’Iberville, Miss.

Facts are facts
Q. BY MR. JONES: Good morning, Ms. Roberts. Could I ask you –
MR. SMITH: I’m going to object. Okay? It’s afternoon.
Kim Nerheim
Portland, Ore.

Takes two to tango
Q. And this wasn’t just an altercation between one person; correct?
A. No, ma’am.
Stephanie Fernandez, RMR
Ridgecrest, Calif.

Cutting through the craziness
During this products liability trial, the cross-examination of the defense expert Smith was riddled with a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo. Mr. Plaintiff’s Attorney had shown a line chart he made. On redirect examination, the defense attorney was trying to show that it didn’t make sense or apply to this case, so he asked the witness:

Q. Dr. Smith, based upon your research, someone who’s spent a career looking at and analyzing these kinds of meta-analyses, if one of your students came to you and presented this analysis that took uncontrolled data and active control data and mixed it with placebo-controlled data, what would you say to that student?
THE COURT: A student?
MR. DEFENSE ATTORNEY: A student.
BY THE WITNESS:
A. If one of my students came to me with this, I’d suggest they pursue another career, perhaps in the legal profession.
THE COURT: Pretty good answer.
MR. PLAINTIFF’S ATTORNEY: Amen to that.
(Laughter all around.)
Judy Walsh, RDR, CRR, CCP
Chicago, Ill.

Betcha got a chick on the side
Q. What street are we talking about? Is it on Minock or on Manor?
A. Every street — Minock, Manor. The street where my mother lived. The street where my auntie stay. The street with a girl I cheat on my girlfriend lives at.
Elizabeth A. Tubbert, RPR
Highland, Mich.