The Last Page: Nothing to laugh at

KEEP IT UP

Q. And when you say “we renewed the contact,” you still ride bikes with Mr. Jones but can’t keep up with him as far as exercising?

A. Yes.

Q. OK. These bike rides —

MR. BROWN: I think he objects to that.

Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

WATCH YOUR WORDS

Q. Doctor, wouldn’t you agree with me that only an idiot would walk into a doctor’s office and, after being told that there was a videotape that the doctor had reviewed, that that person would then put on, as you described it, such a show? Wouldn’t only an idiot do that?

A. Well, you make a very good point about your client, sir.

Dana L. Young, RMR
Tulsa, Okla.

WHAT A LINE!

Q. Okay. Why don’t you describe for me, sir, what you recall from the moment you put your feet in that pail of water.

A. She got out a tool of which I have — my lawyer and I have a copy of, which I was familiar with, and she then started using this particular tool to work on the bottom of my feet. As I sat in the chair and watched her for a moment, I noticed the customer right next to me, Lakita, which was a very attractive, middle-aged black woman, which caught my eye immediately. I then started a conversation, at which time both my pedicurist and Lakita’s pedicurist were, I would imagine, thrilled at what they was hearing me say to Lakita, and I had all three women smiling and happy over what I was saying. That’s it.

Q. Do you have any specific recollection as you sit here today of anything that you had said that you regarded at the time as particularly thrilling for these folks?

A. Yeah. I have certain lines that I use on women that I meet that I like and one of them is to snap your fingers, and when I ask a woman will she snap her fingers, naturally, she gets curious and asks me, “Why do you want me to snap my fingers?” And I then reply, “So you can snap me out of this trance you’ve got me in.” And that, you know, brings about a certain response from an individual woman, along with a couple of other lines that I’ve been using for years that always have the same effect on a woman.

Mary Lorentz, RPR
Milwaukee, Wis.

THAT’S LOGIC FOR YOU

Q. I don’t find it there now. I’ve misplaced my copy of it. Here it is. It’s always the last place you look for it. You know why?

A. Why is that?

Q. Because when you find it, you quit looking.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

JUST CAN’T QUIT

Q. Do you have a Facebook page?

A. I actually deleted it.

Q. Is that possible?

A. Yes.

Q. It’s like quitting the gym.

Renee M. Bencich, RPR
Galt, Calif.

EARTH-SHATTERING PAIN

Q. All right. Within the first 30 days after the accident, how would you describe the pain in your neck as far as the intensity of the pain? If we were to use a zero to 10 scale where zero is no pain and 10 is the worst you can imagine, what was your neck pain like in the first 30 days?

A. It was at a 10 on the Richter scale.

Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas

YOU DON’T SAY?

Q. So you don’t remember, but you don’t deny that you could have said that?

A. I can’t say I’m saying I said it and I can’t say I’m not saying I didn’t say it.

Donna S. Cascio, RMR, CMRS
Somerset, Pa.

DEFINITION, PLEASE

Q. How close were you to Mr. Glesner?

A. He is a brother-in-law.

Q. Forgive me. Geographically, in feet?

A. Oh.

Santo “Joe” Aurelio, RDR
Arlington, Mass.

OH, THE IMPLICATIONS

MS. JONES: My investigator introduced himself, and halfway through his sentence, the witness went off on a crazy tirade about how he was a civil servant, he has the right not to be shot, not to be shoved, he has certain inalienable rights. He sounded like a lawyer when he was talking. It was crazy. He went crazy, literally.

THE COURT: He’s crazy because he sounds like a lawyer? Is that what you said?

Kimberly Bennett, RMR, CRR
Roseville, Calif.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

Q. Let me ask you a few things about your family life if I could. You’re married to your wife, correct?

A. Most people are.

Q. Obviously.

Barbara Prindle, RPR
Brunswick, Ga.

ON THE RECORD

Q. This Mr. Claus, do you have a good address for Mr. Claus?

COURT REPORTER: The North Pole.

MR. BERTINI: You just couldn’t resist, could you?

COURT REPORTER: Nope.

MR. BERTINI: I thought court reporters weren’t supposed to talk during a depo.

COURT REPORTER: They’re not.

Lorraine Brazil, RMR, CRR, CBC
Missouri City, Texas

STATISTICS AT WORK

Q. One patient starts off at 89 percent, right? The first day she has an 89 percent chance of disease-free survival?

A. All the patients have an 89 percent at the day of diagnosis.

Q. Understood, but each one has the same chance, correct?

A. Not really because some of them — the whole crowd has an 89 percent and what happens to them, all we can do is see what happens to the whole group of a hundred patients.

Q. And you don’t know who the fortunate 89 are?

A. I wouldn’t be here. I’d be polishing my Nobel Prize.

Diane Amoresano DiTizii, RMR, CRR
Montville, N.J.

STEP ONE

Q. If you would, look at page 45 of your report. Hold your finger there and then find page 14.

A. 45 and 14.

MR. SMITH: Are you trying to teach him origami?

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to NCRA Publications Manager Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.