THE LAST PAGE: All in a day’s work

Attention!

(After swearing the witness)

THE WITNESS: Did I just get married?

SMITH: No, but you swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas                       

Can you hear me?

(After an entire morning spent repeating questions two or three times……..)

ATTORNEY: Mr. Smith, would it help to put new batteries in your hearing aids?

WITNESS: I can’t hear you.

THE COURT: Yes! The answer is yes!

(Upon which, one of the attorneys loaned the witness the batteries out of his hearing aids.)

Lori Hargens, RPR
Des Moines, Iowa

 

The coming apocalypse

A. Some people keep gold coins because they’re afraid the zombies are coming.

JONES: They are coming.

BY MR. RUIZ:

Q. They are definitely coming. It’s just when.

A. Right. It’s when.

Nancy Toner, RPR
Exton, Pa.

Translation, please

Q. So I guess this is only an issue if you want to exercise your right to read and sign, but if you want to, I’m just trying to figure out how we could get to you.

A. I’ll just sign it now. It’s all true.

Q. So that would be super cool, but unfortunately, she has to ‑‑ it’s kind of like shorthand gobbledygook. Not gobbledygook, it’s an excellent transcript, but it’s not ready for you to review. You wouldn’t be able to understand some of it, it wouldn’t be like English.

Doreen Sutton, RPR
Scottsdale, Ariz. 

In the deepest part of the brain

Q. You’re married; correct?

A. Yes.

Q. When did you get married?

A. My wife would hate me.

Q. You can do it.

Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

Whenever you call me …

BY MR. WILSON:
Q. And by the way, Mr. Smith, if you need a break at any time, let me know.
A. Cool.
MS. JONES: Same with you.
MR. WILSON: Well, thank you. Likewise, everyone. We can sing Kumbaya.
MS. JONES: We should. It goes a long way, let me tell you.

Laurie ​Collins​, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

In spirit

Q. Okay. Any other members of his family there?

A. Two of his sisters.
Q. Okay. What were his sisters’ names?
A. Jane Doe, but she’s deceased at the moment, and Janet Doe.

Renee M. Bencich, RPR
Galt, Calif.

Get away from it all

Q. And then what brought you to this part of the country?

A. It’s an opportunity — I saw an advertisement for an opportunity here, and I was working in a crazy hospital in Far Rockaway and it was just insane.
Q. I’m a Long Island boy. Far Rockaway?
A. Peninsula General Hospital, and it was too much trauma for my taste there.
THE REPORTER: Did you say drama or trauma?
THE WITNESS: Trauma. Both trauma and drama. My last day one of our nurses was kidnapped from the parking lot.
MS. SMITH: That sounds like an episode from Grey’s Anatomy.
BY MR. JONES:
Q. Just, for the record, you had nothing to do with that?
A. I had nothing to do with it.

Donna L. Linton, RMR
Ashburn, Va.

How to spot a liar

A.Your Honor, my name is John Doe. I’m an attorney licensed in the state of Texas, having been licensed since 1978, I believe, which I know is hard for you to believe considering how youthful I look.

THE COURT: Remember, you’re under oath.

A. (BY MR. DOE) Since I’m under oath, I’ll retract that last comment.

Renee Rape, RPR
Angleton, Texas

Watch your acronyms

Q. Why was he contacting you? Sean, that is.

A. She.  Because I was probably the one who brought in the business opportunity, the — this collaborative meeting.
Q. That’s all he did is he asked you —
A. She.
Q. Oh, Sean is a she?
A. Sean is a she.
Q. My apologies. She’s asking your opinion whether or not to send you an f/u e-mail or phone call?
A. That’s “follow up.”
Q. “Follow up.” Okay.
THE WITNESS: Just want to be very clear about that.
MR. JONES: That may be subject to dispute.
Q. But that was the only involvement you had in this?
A. Yes.
THE WITNESS: I wanted to make that clear.
MR. JONES: Thank you for clarifying. Just goes to show you where my mind is.
THE WITNESS: It’s Friday at 6.

Helga Christiane Lavan, RPR
Hicksville, N.Y.

Can you hear me now?

THE COURT: Ok, next question please.

BY MR. ATTORNEY:

Q. Can you hear me, sir? Can you hear me, Mr. Smith? Can you hear us, Mr. Smith? Is your phone muted? Well, that wouldn’t help him hearing us, though. Your phone is on mute, maybe?

THE COURT: If he can’t hear us, asking that question is not going —

Q. ATTORNEY: I was hoping.

Laurie Miller
Los Angeles, Calif.

 What attorneys think we do

Q. Has Mr. Campbell ever been dishonest with —

A. No.

Q. Has Mr. Campbell ever submitted a false invoice or submitted a request for reimbursement for —

A. He has —

SMITH: Excuse me, one of the things I need you to do is wait until the question is over before you answer, because the court reporter cannot take down your answer and her question at the same time.

A. I’m sorry.

SMITH: Don’t be sorry. I just wanted you to understand. Wait until the question is over before you answer.

A. Okay.

JONES: Tammy’s good. She can take down what three people are saying at one time with one hand tied behind her back and standing on her head. Right, Tammy?

Tammy McGhee, RMR
Bellville, Ohio
 

Submissions for the last page can be emailed to JCR Editor Jacqueline Schmidt at jschmidt@ncra.org.