LAST PAGE: She who laughs, lasts

Where do you get your tech help?
Q. I think that text messages can be printed in some way. Perhaps Mr. Doe could provide me with a copy of that when he —
MR. DOE: Finds out how to?
MS. BROWN: — finds a 15-year-old who knows how to do that.
Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

Do the math
Q. So a bilateral ankle sprain? Does that sound accurate?
A. Yeah. One was worse than the other, so I had to wear a boot on one.
Q. And you received some medical treatment?
A. Um-hum.
Q. And did you miss work?
A. Just to go to the doctor appointment, I think
Q. Did it resolve?
A. Yes.
Q. Was it the same ankle that you had sprained at HealthOne?
A. Well, since it was both, yeah, one of them was.
Q. Dumb question, smart answer. Thank you for that.
Carrie Arnold, RPR, CRR
Arvada, Calif.

Good or bad? You decide
Q. Would you agree that the grandmother or mother’s observation or conclusion that he was having too many or constant erections would be unrelated to the circumcision?
A. I don’t see how that’s a problem, but —
MR. SMITH: That wins best testimony of the month.
Q. Whether it’s a harm or a benefit, it’s probably unrelated to the circumcision, would you agree?
A. I suppose.
Virginia Dodge, RDR, CRR
Boston, Mass.

That narrows it down
Q. Mr. Witness, you didn’t answer the question.
A. Well, you didn’t ask it right then.
Q. Do you think it was greater than five years?
A. I think it was after — or it was either after or before I left work, so it was sometime either before or after 1994.
Liebe Stevenson, RMR
Liberty, Mo.

Throw the book

This was a question on cross-examination:
Q. Counsel asked you about, you know, employee handbooks and things of that nature, and I know that we were all excited to hear you say that you threw yours away. Other than the handbook, you do receive training, though; correct?
Kelly G. Palazzi, RPR
South Hackensack, N.J.

Arbitrators gone wild

From an arbitrator panel of 3:

MR. STARR: You do know you need to treat us with great deference and laugh at our jokes?
THE WITNESS: I do.
Q. I know the panel kind of brought it up, and so I wanted to clarify that.
MR. STARR: That was tongue in cheek, guys. I discerned he had done this before.
MR. ROGERS: My sarcasm meter is off. I’m sorry. I apologize.
MR. STARR: That’s okay, because we like naive defense counsel. Just kidding.
MR. DODDS: If you haven’t figured it out by now, he has a truly warped sense of humor.
MR. STARR: Only exceeded by naive plaintiff’s counsel.
Denyce M. Sanders, RDR, CRR
Houston, Texas

Division of nonlabor
Q. Do you own any like recreational vehicles, like ATVs?
A. No, I don’t.
Q. Do you own any horses?
A. No, I don’t.
MR. LEWIS: Didn’t you just buy an RV?
THE WITNESS: Do what?
MR. LEWIS: Didn’t you just buy an RV?
A. Yeah, I just bought an RV.
BY MS. MARTIN:
Q. An RV like a motor home?
A. Yes.
Q. What is your plan? Are you going to travel?
A. Yes.
Q. Does your wife still work?
A. No, she does not.
Q. So she can go with you?
A. Yes. No, I’m leaving her at home to take care of the dog.
Terri Huseth, RPR
Shawnee, Kan.

The powers bestowed upon me

Q. And I think you understood what I was saying. In ordinary street conversation that’s okay. This lady here that’s the court reporter, Stephanie, will be slapping one of us if we talk over each other and we are not allowing each other to finish statements, okay?
A. (Nodded.)
Q. It’s not really true but she actually nowadays has gone to a more modern situation. She’s got an electric switch —
A. There you go.
Q. — that will light your chair up.
Stephanie Ruhland, RMR, CRC
Oldfield, Mo.

A gentleman never tells

Q. After you got out of the Navy in November of 1957 — strike that.
When you were in the Navy, you were stationed in Korea and Japan; is that correct?
A. I was just aboard ship, and we was at a little bit of everywhere.
Q. Okay. Did you ever see combat?
A. No.
Q. Okay. Any particular port of call you enjoyed more than others?
MR. ABBOTT: Now, I want to object.
MR. COSTELLO: Well, I want to have a conversation with him.
MR. ABBOTT: Having been in the Navy we don’t need to get into that.
THE WITNESS: No.
MR. COSTELLO: All right; fair enough.
MR. ABBOTT: Sitting in front of his wife — you don’t need to —
MR. COSTELLO: I’ll even strike it. I — I —
MR. ABBOTT: Thank you.
MR. COSTELLO: — strike that question.
Cassy Kerr Russell
Austin, Texas

Who’s that guy?
Q. Do you remember who the attorney was that was asking the questions?
A. Jared.
Q. Jared from Subway?
A. It seemed like that, yeah. It’s about similar to that.
Michelle Giangualano
Seattle, Wash.

Phew!
Q. Is the list on page 12 an exhaustive list of your administrative responsibilities?
A. It’s pretty exhausting.
Q. Did you mean exhaustive?
A. I mean exhaustive.

Katherine Schilling
Richmond, Va.

Name your sources
MR. SMITH: Okay. While we may not always like what Mr. Jones and I say, I’m glad you appreciate our honesty. As George Costanza said, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
THE ARBITRATOR: I am pleased that you have cited a noted legal authority. Please continue.
Laurie Collins, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dead presidents

THE COURT: What’s your objection?
THE DEFENDANT: George Washington told me to do it.
THE COURT: Your objection is noted for the record and overruled.
Danielle R. Murray, RPR
Olathe, Kan.

Changes

Q. And Dr. Jones said in his notes that you — it’s a he? Dr. Jones is a he?
A. I believe he was.
Q. And if he was, he still is?
A. Yes. Sorry.
Q. Okay. Never can tell.
MR. SMITH: Never know nowadays.
MR. JOHNSON: But it was only a belief at the time, then.
Dominique Isabeau
Daly City, Calif.

Modifiers

MR. SMITH: Well, because she differs with your recollection of what she testified to some months before doesn’t mean her answers are any more incredible than your questions.
MR. JONES: Thank you for saying they are incredible. I will take that as a compliment.
Adam H. Alweis, RPR
Syracuse, N.Y.