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Location, location, location
MR. ANDREWS: The real question is, do you guys like each other?
MR. BURNS: Yes, I do. I will say that.
Q. (BY MR. BURNS) Do we like each other, Mr. Holder?
A. We’re from the same place. Location, that means.
Denyce M. Sanders, RDR, CRR
Houston, Texas

Leaps in logic
THE COURT: Next is the instruction with regard to the request by the jury for any read back of testimony, which reads, “Written transcripts of the testimony of witnesses given at trial are not available,” and then it goes on to explain to them that if there is a need for a read back, the entire testimony of that requested witness must be transcribed and then read in open court with all parties present.
Any objection?
THE DEFENDANT: The objection is based on Article IV, Section 4, of the United States Constitution, which states, quote, “The United States government shall protect each state from invasion.”
Danielle R. Murray, RPR
Olathe, Kan.

Dr. Google
Q. Are you aware of any other — first of all, how many employees were in the department at that time? I don’t mean just the accounts payable department. I mean the accounting department as a whole, including all those crazy general ledger folks, the party animals.
A. Yeah. And you know what? That’s what the nurse said when they said, Give her a Breathalyzer. She goes, Are you serious?
Q. 7:20 in the morning?
A. Yeah. I blew a zero.
Q. Way to go. Has any doctor ever told you that, or is that your own personal speculation?
A. No. I read on Dr. Google, you know.
Q. That may be worse; the writhing cesspool of Internet misinformation. Medicine seems to take the cake in it.
A. Well, I had asked because he said that when he did the surgery, that there was arthritis in my knee. And when I had the first surgery, Dr. Sanchez had told me that I had the knees and the bones of a 40-year-old.
Q. There was a time in your life when that would not have been complimentary.
Carrie Arnold, RPR, CRR
Arvada, Colo.

I don’t do math
Q. If ABC Company represents 90 percent of your work since July 2009, what percentage would you attribute to XYZ Company?
A. You know, actually, we talked earlier. I said 85 percent might be ABC. It’s hard for me to say, but, you know, they’re maybe 10 percent.
Q. Okay.
A. And I know that, you know, if we added some other people in there, that would add up to more than 100 percent.
Q. Sure.
MR. DOE: Well, that’s the problem with using percentages.
Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

Show me the money
Q. Okay. What is your present residence address?
A. 1234 Pot O Gold Street, West Palm Beach.
Q. That’s where your attorney said he was taking you, right, Pot O Gold? You understand that I like to have a little fun. I mean no disrespect to you or your attorney, okay?
A. I have to think about that for a minute.
Q. You better think long and hard about that for a minute.

Robyn Maxwell, RPR
Royal Palm Beach, Fla.

Walk through the memory palace
Q. So when you were making the sugar-and-cigarette run, were you given a list?
A. No.
Q. How did you remember all the things that you were supposed to buy?
A. Cigarettes. Sugar. I can handle that.
Janet L. Wynne, RPR
Boston, Mass.

Attention spans
Q. Other than the slurred speech, are there any other issues that you still experience that you believe are caused by the incident?
A. Just the forgetfulness.
Q. And describe that for me, what do you forget?
MR. MONTI: I’m going to object. Because if you knew what you forget, then you wouldn’t have forgotten it, so I object to the form of the question.
Ellen Muir
Wareham, Mass.

Existentialist
Q. Either we have discussed everything that you today know as it relates to Ms. Doe and her care in May and June of 2014, or we have not; is that correct?
A. I don’t know.
Q. You don’t know if we have or not?
A. I don’t.
Q. Do you know what you know today?
MS. BLACK: This is really weird and existential, so object to that.
MR. WHITE: Interesting, okay.
Debbie Arter, RDR, CRR
Rockledge, Fla.

Why we proofread
During a hearing, the defendant kept repeatedly whispering in defense counsel’s ear. Finally the judge commented: The defendant seems to be chirping in your rear. (He really said ear.)
Candy L. Potter, RMR, CRR
Phoenix, Ariz.

Basic functions
Q. How old was your mother when your father passed away?
A. Well, she was born in 1913, and he died in 1994.
Q. You’re going to make me do the math?
A. You’ve got fingers and toes.
MR. JONES: We’re lawyers. We can’t do math.
MR. SMITH: Can I divide that by three?
MR. JONES: Exactly.
Virginia Dodge, RDR, CRR
Boston, Mass.

Backfire!
(The attorneys were at each other’s throats most of this day.)
THE COURT: Can I fine each one of you ten dollars —
MR. LAWYER: Yes, sir.
THE COURT: — to benefit the American Red Cross?
MR. ATTORNEY: If I can yell at him some more, Judge, I’ll pay 20.
Liebe Stevenson, RMR
Liberty, Mo.

The pain scale decoded
A. I would say that 1 is very small, 5 is medium, 10 is severe. But 10 is like having a baby and passing kidney stones at the same time, and that we can’t sit here and talk about this because you are too busy screaming and begging for an ambulance.
Q. Okay.
A. And 9 is delivering a baby but not passing kidney stones. Like a 9 is right before you have a baby. 10 is actually delivering a baby and passing kidney stones while a semi runs over your toe or whatever. Pardon me.
Michelle Giangualano
Seattle, Wash.