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Perks
Q. Do you have an elliptical in your home?
A. Yes.
Q. What brand is it?
A. Precor.
Q. I’m a fugitive from the gym most of time, but I did go at the hotel.
Virginia Dodge, RDR, CRR
Boston, Mass.

The phantom employee
Q. Okay. So first you said the other person was in cahoots and then you denied that there was another person. So I am confused.
A. Okay. Sorry.
Q. Are you saying that there is a phantom employee, there really wasn’t a fellow employee, or that this fellow employee was in cahoots with her? I mean, you can’t be in cahoots with a phantom, so help me understand what your testimony is.
Michelle Giangualano
Seattle, Wash.

Can you hear me now?
Q. Do you have any hearing difficulties?
A. I think I’m little a hard of hearing in one ear.
Q. You’re supposed to say “what?” when I ask that question.
A. I thought there was no levity involved.
Q. Oh, you can always have a little levity in life.
A. Oh, there is?
Q. Sometimes.
A. Oh, I hear you now.
Q. See?
(The cell phone ring sounded like a duck quacking.)
(Phone sounds.)
THE WITNESS: I’m hearing that better more than I hear you right now. I’m sorry.
MR. ATTORNEY: Do you want to hit the mute button or whatever?
THE REPORTER: You killed the duck.
THE WITNESS: I shot the duck.
Sandy Hancock, RPR
O’Fallon, Mo.

Too much thinking
Q. Mrs. Jones, I understand you were standing at the intersection where this accident happened.
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Would you tell the Court and Jury what you saw, please, ma’am?
A. Well, I think this blue car —
MR. SMITH: Judge, I object to what she thinks.
THE COURT: Sustained.
Q. Just describe what you saw, please, ma’am.
A. Well, I think that the blue car – –
MR. SMITH: Objection.
THE COURT: Sustained.
MR. SMITH: Judge, would you instruct the witness?
THE COURT: Ma’am, you can’t tell us what you think, just what you saw.
THE WITNESS: Well, Judge, Your Honor, Sir, I ain’t like them lawyers. I can’t talk without thinking.
(Utter chaos among the jury)
Richard Wilson, RPR (Ret.)
Montgomery, Ala.

Reading list
BY MR. SMITH:
Q. Could you read D for me, 1D?
A. I read it.
Q. Could you read it out loud for me into the record?
MR. JONES: The document speaks for itself. If you want to ask him whether he was aware of it, that’s fine, and reading it seems like a waste of good eyesight.
Lora J. Appino Barnett, RMR
Topeka, Kan.

Spell it for the record
MS. SMITH: Your Honor, I mean, it’s probably not that important, but for some reason, it says two o’clock.
MR. JONES: I noticed that.
MS. SMITH: My name is spelled wrong, too, but I will let that one go.
MR. JONES: I wasn’t responsible for that. I know how to spell your name. I heard it on the radio.
Adam H. Alweis, RPR
Syracuse, N.Y.

Remember this
Q. And do you believe that you would have a memory if that question had been answered?
MR. SMITH: Object to whether or not you would have a memory of something you can’t remember.
MR. JONES: Good objection. It’s one of the best I’ve heard.
Therese J. Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

Name that number
Q. Okay. Have you tried to talk to him about his medical condition and he walks away?
A. Yes.
Q. Okay. How many times has that happened?
A. A handful.
Q. So six times?
A. Five.
Q. Five times?
A. Yes.
Q. Oh, yeah. Five.
Chris Willette, RDR, CRR, CRC
Wausau, Wis.

It’s all about the bass
Q. What other surgeries have you had?
A. I had liposuction.
Q. Is that for weight loss?
A. Cosmetic.
Q. I think I was reading somewhere – it was kind of interesting, but they actually take some fat tissue out of you, and then they inject it somewhere else?
A. Yeah. Yes.
Q. Did you have some problems when they injected your lower back with that – whatever material they removed?
A. They didn’t inject my lower back. What do you mean? My buttocks?
Q. Your buttocks.
A. Not the first time. Now, the second time, I don’t know if it was because of the surgery, but I ended up with an abscess somewhere in my leg.
Q. I don’t want to get too personal, but why would they inject it into your buttocks? Is it to make them, I guess, rounder or bigger or something?
A. Yes. Yes.
Q. More appealing to the male gender?
A. Yes.
Elizabeth A. Tubbert, RPR
Highland, Mich.

Break time
MR. JONES: When you get to a good stopping point, I could use a break.
MR. SMITH: No breaks for you, Mr. Jones.
MR. JONES: It could be uncomfortable for you, then.
MR. SMITH: Uncomfortable for you, perhaps. We’ll take a break.
Debra M. Arter, RDR, CRR
Rockledge, Fla.

And now for something completely different
Q. The nonworking, retired partner who’s received close to —
THE ARBITRATOR: Departed?
MR. JONES: Excuse me?
THE ARBITRATOR: Departed.
MR. JONES: Departed. Well, departed has a whole different meaning sometimes.
Q. The now departed but still living, not quite dead, as they would say in Monty Python —
Laurie Collins, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.