LAST LAUGH: I heard it in the funny pages

What’s on the telly tonight?
Dissing the witness’s choice of TV programming
Q. Do you have any hobbies that keep you busy when you’re not hanging around with family or watching sport events or anything?
A. Well, I — God, I guess kind of one of my hobbies now is watching TV. I watch a lot of History channel, American military channel because I was in Vietnam and I was in the Vietnam War. I do watch a lot of that because I love the history of World War II and, like, the Korean War, and some of my relatives were in both of those. So I do that.
And I do — oh, here’s one: Dancing with the Stars. My wife and I are ballroom dancers, and so we watch Dancing with the Stars and — oh, and I watch The Bachelor and Bachelorette with her.
MR. SMITH: All right. That’s quite enough of that.
Juliane Petersen
Beaverton, Ore.

Ah, memories
Marking an exhibit that is a printout of the deponent’s web page.
Q. That’s a good picture of you.
A. That was taken a number of years ago.
Q. I didn’t want to mention that.
A. That’s okay. I think it was taken in 2000. I’ll use any advantage I can to get people to visit my website.
Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

Sometimes, it’s easier to just take the uh-huh
Q. Does he ever go outside through the garage door?
A. Well, yeah, when I took him out on the leash.
Q. Only on the leash?
A. Uh-huh.
Q. Yes? You said, yes?
A. Sir?
Q. Your answer was, yes?
A. What was your question?
Angeli English
D’Iberville, Miss.

Pick your favorite
Q. Okay. And how many stories did my client, Mr. Jackson, tell you?
STATE’S ATTORNEY: Objection. Relevance.
THE COURT: What’s the relevance?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Well, I want to know how many stories there were so that we can see which one we should believe for these proceedings.
THE COURT: Sustained.
Lisa Kwasigroch, RPR
Milwaukee, Wis.

He plays one on TV
MR. JONES: Who enjoys shows like CSI, NCIS, Law & Order? Is everyone comfortable with the idea that that’s television and things go differently in the real courtroom?
THE JURORS: Yes.
MR. SMITH: I know Judge Chase is very handsome; Mr. Wright is very handsome; and I’m very handsome. But we’re not probably quite up to the standard of television. Is everyone okay with that?
THE COURT: Speak for yourself, pal.
(Courtroom laughter.)
MR. JONES: Aside from Judge Chase, of course.
MR. SMITH: I object.
Betsy Cradic, RPR
Rochester, Minn.

If my friends were your friends …
After 300 pages of names like Mike, Mark, Bobby, and Anthony (friends of the witness) where no last names were known, the following questions come up.
Q. What friend did you used to run with?
A. Me, Bobby, and Anthony.
Q. Was it Bobby the bagel guy?
A. No.
Q. No?
A. No.
Q. Different Bobby?
A. Different Bobby.
Q. What’s Bobby’s last name?
A. He lives in Long Island.
MS. JONES: She didn’t ask you where he lived, she asked you his last name.
A. Bobby Anthony.
Q. What’s Anthony’s last name, Anthony Bobby?
A. Whatever you want to put.
MS. JONES: Do you know his last name, yes or no?
THE WITNESS: I’m lucky I know his first name.
MS. JONES: Okay. So is that a no?
THE WITNESS: No.
Q. Can you still contact Bobby Anthony?
A. No.
Q. Can you still contact Anthony I-don’t-know-his-last-name?
A. No.
Q. Anthony Doe, shall we call him?
A. They’re gone; they moved.
Devora Hackner
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Who’s the boss?
Q. But you’re not doing any sort of consulting, anything else that’s generating income since you retired?
A. I’m doing “honey do” projects.
Q. Tell me what you mean by that, just so that the jury can hear it.
A. I get to do whatever my wife tells me needs to be done.
Laurie Collins, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Lightning before the thunder
(When swearing the witness)
THE WITNESS: Where is my Bible at?
MR. JONES: We’ll take your word on it.
THE WITNESS: That’s in court, isn’t it?
MR. JONES: Just on TV.
THE WITNESS: Oh, just on TV?
MR. JONES: Or when you’re getting sworn in to be a United States Supreme Court Justice.
Therese Casterline Kiernan, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

This is why we proof!
“Rectal fires” should be “rectifiers.” My brief for “rectal” is REBGT. Glad I proofed!
MR. ATTORNEY: On Page Eight, Your Honor, in Paragraph 24, Sub Paragraph E, CB alleges that the Defendants did not provide any manual controls for the rectal fires or the manufacturer’s software necessary to adjust the current. Therefore, it is impossible to adjust the current output of the rectal fires. And then they go on.
Debra M. Arter, RDR, CRR
Rockledge, Fla.